why?

I know that the Lord's purposes are wise and I don't expect to understand them. But I just wish I could understand why some of His children feel so alone and hopeless to the point where they feel there is no other choice than to take their own life. We had a family friend who reached this breaking point on Thursday. I don't know any details of what kinds of things he was dealing with but I hope he is feeling better now. Sometimes I wonder, though, how much regret you might suffer seeing your family and children dealing with such a loss. I am not judging, I have certainly entertained the thoughts, as I am sure most of us have at some time, but I just wonder. I hope our friend is free of his pain and knows how much he is missed and loved.

thanks grandma

One more thing grandma taught me...without speaking. Grandma had a quote on her fridge for the longest time. ( I wonder if its still there...I guess I will check next time I go over). But it always stuck with me and I share it with my students EVERY year because I think it is one of life's most important lessons.
"They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel." Let's always remember that we are all children of God and treat each other as such.

happy birthday, Grandma Irene

Grandma just celebrated her birthday this week and since she is such an amazing woman, I thought I would share 82 amazing things about her. Happy birthday, Grandma! I am so grateful to have had you as the rock you have been inmylife!



1. She brought the Gospel to our family by accepting it and being baptized.
2. She can do everything with one hand that it takes me two hands to do.
3. She has taught me how to sew.
4. She has a brave, strong heart.
5. I can see a lot of myself in her.
6. She helped provide the things we needed growing up, like school clothes and cars.
7. She is a stylin' grandma.
8. She has always had tons of energy.
9. Her house and clothes smell so wonderful.
10. She is neat and organized.
11. She is smart and values education. Even though she didn't finish school as a child she went back as an adult and got her GED and other vocational training.
12. She has worked hard all her life to be self sufficient.
13. She is very talented at sewing and made us dresses when we were children. She made most of my mom's clothes.
14. She loves family history and served as a missionary in the FHC.
15. She is forgiving.
16. She is generous.
17. She took us in when we needed a safe place to live.
18. She has a "beauty mark " on her lip.
19. She fought cancer bravely and won.
20. She has a wonderful sense of humor.
21. She is a proud American and is concerned and informed in politics.
22. She has an eye for beautiful antiques.
23. She always has the most amazing quilts.
24. She still has dolls.
25. She got me my first Cabbage Patch Kid and I still have it.
26. She has a quiet, but strong, testimony of the Lord and His church.
27. She decorates her home beautifully.
28. She let us sleep in her bed with her even though we kicked and stole the covers.
29. She had sleepovers with us and we would watch "Golden Girls" and "Johnny Carson" with her.
30. She loves dogs, especially pugs.
31. She always wrote me on my mission faithfully.
32. She has a caring heart and took special care of Deeda and Fowie in their final years.
33. She draws cute Smiley faces.
34. She has lots of neat things that she enjoys telling the history of.
35. She is interested in me.
36. She is proud of me and my siblings for even small accomplishments.
37. She is stubborn about the things she believes in.
38. She doesn't give up.
39. She has great stories of growing up in Arkansas.
40. She still tries to learn new things.
41. She is a great friend.
42. She has a great vocabulary- "whoopie!" "For Pithie's sake" and "dear Gussy"
43. She still looks great in jeans.
44. She has traveled many places.
45. She put up with us to drive us to Arkansas when I was ten to see her family.
46. She has overcome great challenges in life.
47. She cooks great Southern Comfort foods: fried chicken, fried potatoes, fried okra.
48. She raised my mom and taught her to be a loving mother.
49. She is a good listener.
50. She patiently taught me how to drive.
51. She colored with me when I was little.
52. She taught Erin and me how to make paper dolls.
53. She took me to Disneyland by myself when I was 8.
54. She is a shopping pro. She wore me out as a child.
55. She knows how to find the best bargains at the best stores.
56. She has always been involved in our lives.
57. She is protective.
58. She has spent many hours helping my brother and his wife with paperwork and dealing with government agencies.
59. She always looks great.
60. She took me places and picked me up when Mom was at work.
61. She is always willing to help or listen, no matter the hour.
62. She chose an amazing husband who took my mother as his daughter and loved his grandkids fiercely.
63. She chose another amazing husband who accepts us as his family and blesses us with his Priesthood and is always willing to help in any way he can.
64. She let me live with her while I went to college.
65. She looks at least 20 years younger than she is.
66. She knows exactly the right gifts to buy.
67. She loves kids...not a grumpy old lady.
68. She knows and remembers my friends.
69. She makes the best spaghetti.
70. She hurts when you hurt.
71. She is always thinking of someone else.
72. She would watch Jazz games with me.
73. She likes football.
74. She has a wonderful laugh.
75. She likes to play and have fun.
76. She's classy. :)
77. She worries about me.
78. She always brings back special presents when she goes on a trip.
79. She has lived a life of faith.
80. She is a good example to me.
81. She still colors her hair red.
82. She is beautiful and wise.

Another quick, but deep, thought

In everything that has been going on since April, I have come to realize that I was pretty dang smart when I was 6 years old and realized that "Life's not fair!" This has been something that I grew up knowing but not accepting. Why is life not fair?!?!
I realized it recently.
Life isn't fair and we should be happy that its not fair, because if it was fair, we would get what we deserved... and that would mostly be bad.
Christ suffered not only for our sins, but also all of our pains, so that life wouldn't have to be fair.
That's pretty amazing, if you think about it.
(but I still wish I could win the lottery and have a perfect family like they do...)<3

More on the meaning of suffering

Facebook friends will have seen my recent update with the quote from Viktor Frankl on the meaning of suffering. "Suffering ceases to be suffering in some way at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of sacrifice. . . ‎In accepting this challenge to suffer bravely, life has meaning up to the last moment, and it retains this meaning literally to the end. In other words, life's meaning is an unconditional one, for It even includes the potential meaning of suffering." -Viktor Frankl (Holocaust survivor and author of Man's Search for Meaning). When I read this, considering all the crap I have had to deal with the past 4 months, or so, I just started to bawl. This was a man that suffered in Auschwitz saying this, and here I am suffering in my own little "garden" (which I am not minimizing at all, but it is not a concentration camp, after all), expressing such courage and strength about pain and challenges. I am on this search for meaning. (That sounds so chivalrous! "a quest for the meaning of suffering...my suffering.")
In thinking about all of this, I am reminded of a quote that a friend sent me when all this first started. Hopefully, I will someday reach this point where I can recognize the growth I have made and look back on all of it and say, "Wow, that really wasn't that bad after all! Look at me now!!!"
"No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God....and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulations, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven...." ~Orson F. Whitney

Someday....

"Let It Be" The story behind the lyrics

"I was going through a really difficult time around the autumn of 1968. It was late in the Beatles' career and we had begun making a new album, a follow-up to the "White Album." As a group we were starting to have problems. I think I was sensing the Beatles were breaking up, so I was staying up late at night, drinking, doing drugs, clubbing, the way a lot of people were at the time. I was really living and playing hard.


The other guys were all living out in the country with their partners, but I was still a bachelor in London with my own house in St. John's Wood. And that was kind of at the back of my mind also, that maybe it was about time I found someone, because it was before I got together with Linda.


So, I was exhausted! Some nights I'd go to bed and my head would just flop on the pillow; and when I'd wake up I'd have difficulty pulling it off, thinking, "Good job I woke up just then or I might have suffocated." Then one night, somewhere between deep sleep and insomnia, I had the most comforting dream about my mother, who died when I was only 14. She had been a nurse, my mum, and very hardworking, because she wanted the best for us. We weren't a well-off family- we didn't have a car, we just about had a television – so both of my parents went out to work, and Mum contributed a good half to the family income. At night when she came home, she would cook, so we didn't have a lot of time with each other. But she was just a very comforting presence in my life. And when she died, one of the difficulties I had, as the years went by, was that I couldn't recall her face so easily. That's how it is for everyone, I think. As each day goes by, you just can't bring their face into your mind, you have to use photographs and reminders like that.

So in this dream twelve years later, my mother appeared, and there was her face, completely clear, particularly her eyes, and she said to me very gently, very reassuringly: "Let it be." It was lovely. I woke up with a great feeling. It was really like she had visited me at this very difficult point in my life and gave me this message: Be gentle, don't fight things, just try and go with the flow and it will all work out.


So, being a musician, I went right over to the piano and started writing a song: "When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me"... Mary was my mother's name... "Speaking words of wisdom, let it be." There will be an answer, let it be." It didn't take long. I wrote the main body of it in one go, and then the subsequent verses developed from there: "When all the broken-hearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be." I thought it was special, so I played it to the guys and 'round alot of people, and later it also became the title of the album, because it had so much value to me, and because it just seemed definitive, those three little syllables. Plus, when something happens like that, as if by magic, I think it has a resonance that other people notice too.


Not very long after the dream, I got together with Linda, which was the saving of me. And it was as if my mum had sent her, you could say. The song is also one of the first things Linda and I ever did together musically. We went over to Abbey Road Studios one day, where the recording sessions were in place. I lived nearby and often used to just drop in when I knew an engineer would be there and do little bits on my own. And I just thought, "Oh it would be good to try harmony in mind, and although Linda wasn't a professional singer, I'd heard her sing around the house, and knew she could hold a note and sing that high. So she tried it, and it worked and it stayed on the record. You can hear it to this day.


These days, the song has become almost like a hymn. We sang it at Linda's memorial service. And after September 11 the radio played it alot, which made it the obvious choice for me to sing when I did the benefit concert in New York City. Even before September 11th, people used to lean out of cars and trucks and say, "Yo, Paul, let it be."


So those words are really very special to me, because not only did my mum come to me in a dream and reassure me with them at a very difficult time in my life – and sure enough, things did get better after that – but also, in putting them into a song, and recording it with the Beatles, it became a comforting, healing statement for other people too."
- Paul McCartney

Life's Challenges

Disclaimer: This is a bittersweet post. Mostly bitter, but slightly sweet. . . maybe.

I'm back! I know I need to get back into this blogging thing, but I always think that my life is so boring, what with having no children or husband to add excitement to my daily journey. I don't have a whole lot going on myself, just work and that's pretty much it. After I got my own place in April, things started to take a plunge inmylife. Pain that I thought was long ago buried somehow found a way of creeping up and haunting me. I found things that I wanted to change and wounds I wanted to heal. This has been a very difficult journey, to say the least. I have lost friends, or so it seems. Something inside of me is still hoping that maybe things will get better eventually and friendships will rekindle, but I am not sure. I have cried nearly every day since May. Sometimes, all day long. I wonder if the Lord really hears and answers my prayers because, although things have become at least bearable, I don't think they are really better. At least I can make it through each day and say, "I'm alive," which at least, on some level is a huge accomplishment.
However, now that school has started, things are somewhat back to normal. I am not doing karate any more. Although, I hope that within the year, I can get back into it. With everything that has been going on, I am not in a place emotionally to be able to do it and have fun. I was starting to get burned out anyway as I got closer to my black belt. Since quitting, I have found other reasons, too, that I needed to take a break from it. I need to take care of some debts . . . my school loans are barely coming out of deferment/forbearance, so I need to start paying those off and I need to start working on my Master's (which will put the loans back into deferment if I want to). But I am hoping to get back to the karate in the spring or summer if everything works out and I find that things have gotten better.
Right now, though, it seems as though all I do is work and then go home and spend time reading or on Facebook, which I hate, but I feel like I have nothing better to do (when I know I really could be doing better things). But I guess I am not doing so bad after all since I am surviving and starting to feel a little hopeful about things in the future. Let's just see how I feel tomorrow.

Oh, and P.S. another good thing is that I am will be an auntie again. This time a little niece. Lauren Michelle Watts is due mid January. January 18th, to be exact, and that is my sister Kelly's birthday. She is a proud auntie and hoping that Lauren makes her debut on schedule.

The Time Travelers Book 1 in the Gideon Trilogy

I am about half way through this really great book (author Linda Buckley-Archer)! It is the story of two 21st century children, Kate Dyer and Peter Schock, who are whisked away on a time traveling adventure when they come in contact with an anti gravity machine. They are taken back to July 1763 and the villain called, the Tar Man steals the machine taking with him their chance of returning home. They end up journeying through the English countryside with Gideon Seymour in an attempt to get back home.
This is the first in a trilogy of time travel books and is certain to be a hit among children and adult readers for a long time!

More juicy details to come as I continue reading.

The Great Kapok Tree's Bit of Wisdom

Last Friday, at school we read a story called, "The Great Kapok Tree" from the basal. This is a really neat story about a tree in the Amazon Rainforest and the animals telling a man why he should not cut it down. Anyways, there was a line in it, that never really hit me until this time and we had to stop and have a discussion about it and then write it on the board as a classroom motto for a while.
"What happens tomorrow depends on what you do today."
This can be considered on several different levels, of course. Our discussion of the story had to do with the fact that if we destroy nature today then our children won't be able to enjoy it in the future. But then, it led to a discussion about things like studying for the test if you want to get an A, or practicing for the game if you want to do your best.
But now, I am thinking about it on a spiritual level. We are children of our Heavenly Father and He loves us very much. He wants us to be our best in this life and to return to Him in the next. We can't just go through this life like a kite carried by the wind. We need to direct ourselves so that what happens tomorrow is not a surprise to us. For example, the prophets have foretold of disasters that are to come in the last days and have counseled us to be prepared by collecting food storage and getting rid of debt. If we do these things today then we can make it through the disasters on our own rather than having to rely on the help of others.
We have been promised great blessings if we follow the commandments and do the things that the prophets counsel. We have been told that God has a mansion prepared for us and that we are His divine children with a divine inheritance. What we receive tomorrow depends on what we do today.

My new casita

So, as you can see, I have not been the best blogger lately. Actually, I think for about the last year. Ouch. But the truth is... my life is just so freaking boring that I never have anything to really blog about.
For those of you who keep up with me on facebook, you know that I have been in the process of moving. For the last two years, my mother, sister, and I have been living together in my mom's house. I never really wanted to do this, I had really enjoyed having a place with my sister, but we were trying to save some money. Well, the time came that I needed to get my own place. So that is what I did. I didn't expect to find something in my price range so quickly, but I lucked out and found a fairly nice 2 br town home close to work for a really good price. I love it! It is weird to have a place of my very own without family or roommates, but I love it! I get to decorate and no one eats my food, or yells about the dishes being dirty (which incidentally, the house is cleaner than I have ever lived in... I do the dishes and make my bed every day- who knows how that happened?) It was a little scary the first few nights being on my own, but now I really like it. It is really quiet and I can hear the ticking of the clock instead of the TV coming from the other room. I never realized how comforting I find the ticking of a clock until now. Is that strange? It is, sometimes, a little lonely, but I am so busy during the week that I hardly notice. But I think, once I have the place all put together and acquire a dining room table of some sort, that I will enjoy having people over to watch a movie, play games, or have dinner.
The best part of it all.... I get to sleep in an extra half hour every day because I live a mile from the school rather than ten.

Oh how I do appreciate Mr. Twain...

Good ol' Sammy Clemens...He had such a wonderful ability to express the true feelings of his heart without worrying about how other people will feel and react. Here are some of my favorite "Twainisms" :)


"The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them."

"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."

"Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in."

"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it."

"Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates."

"After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her."

"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement."

"I like a thin book because it can steady a table, a leather volume because it will strop a razor, and a heavy book because it can be thrown at a cat."

"Don't look at the world with your hands in your pockets. To write about it you have to reach out and touch it."

"I haven't any right to criticize books, and I don't do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticize Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can't conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Every time I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone." (I like this one, in particular, because I do not enjoy Jane Austen novels...)

"I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR per G.G., CHIEF OF ORDNANCE" (preface to The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn- my favorite book ever!)

"I was born lazy. I am no lazier now than I was forty years ago, but that is because I reached the limit forty years ago. You can't go beyond possibility."

"In a good bookroom you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in all the books through your skin, without even opening them."

Honeymooners

So today was the first day back at school. I woke up with a headache just thinking about the problems and the horrible behavior that the kids would have today coming back. Guess what? They were really good, but the headache persisted even though I only had minor problems...
Minor Problem #1....a kid knocking on the door for twenty mins this morning hoping that I would bring out the balls... he just kept knocking and staring in the window, and despite the fact that he could see that I was there and was not going to get up and bring out the balls, he kept knocking. I wanted him to get the clue that he needs to be polite and just let me work whether or not he can see that I am in the room or not. So when he came in, he got to start off the new year by changing his card at 9:01 am. Hahahaha.....
Minor Problem #2 could be expected by a child I will call Billy. Billy is somewhat of a brat, if I can say so. He is always arguing with me before he even checks to see what I am talking about. For example, if he gets a question wrong, he will whine, "no it's not" before he even sees if he put an answer down. So today, he brought a paper up to me and I said, "Billy, you didn't put your name on your paper." Then it came, the protest, as if I would lie to him... "Yes, I diiiiiiiiiiiiid!!" So I said, "Billy please go change your card." Then, the same thing as always, "Ohhhh I'm sorry," and the crying begins. What can I do to keep my sanity here?
Minor Problem #3 . . . Another somewhat challenging, but very bright, highly gifted boy who likes to get into power struggles was not paying very good attention and after a couple of requests to focus more, warning him that the next time he was not looking at the board and listening, he would change his card, he decided to roll his eyes at me. Hellooooo? How rude! So I said, "Did you just roll your eyes at me?" No answer. Please go change your card. He was fine the rest of the day.

So, I guess it was actually a really great day, after all. But, I can't be too excited. It will be back to "normal" here in a few days. This is what we in the education world call the "Honeymoon Period," which happens at the beginning of the year and after long vacations, if you are lucky. But you can't let it fool you. Don't judge the kids as angels until they prove to be that good even after a week or so.

Not New Year's Resolutions

I don't believe in setting New Year's Resolutions because I think resolutions and goals should be something that are a continual focus, rather than simply in January (and forgotten by February). I do, however, believe in setting and achieving goals all throughout the year, big and small. I have several goals that I am working on right now, and two that are really big! I mean, really big, but I know that they are achievable! You know me though, DREAM BIG or don't dream at all!
1. PARTICIPATE IN THE UTAH SUMMER GAMES in Cedar City. I have been considering this since a few students in my karate school were talking about it last year, although only one of them actually did. I would really like to do this to gain some valuable experience.
2. EARN MY BLACK BELT. Since I was a kid, I have dreamed of doing karate and now I have done it. I am so proud of myself for finally doing it. Now after several years, I can actually see, smell, and taste the black belt (well, not really, but you know what I mean). This was never part of the dream and I am so excited that I have made it this far!

Wellness Challenge

Every year the school district participates in a wellness challenge sponsored by the health insurance company. I participated last year and enjoyed it. This year I am doing it again. I think I will push myself harder this year to set more goals rather than just try to win by racking up the most minutes. I feel so bad lately because I had lost about 70 pounds a few years ago and then, since last Christmas, I have gained about 25-30 of those pounds back. I would like to get back down to where I was by the end of the competition in March. Then I would still like to lose about 30 more to get to my ultimate goal, but right now, just getting back down to that point would be great!

I love Fall!

I love the colors, the weather, the smells, the warm foods... I love it all!

If she were here to listen today

Dear G-
I have been thinking about you. Man, you are so missed. Nearly a year and half has passed since you've gone and it is still so hard for me to believe that you are not here. I miss you so much still and can't think about you without nearly crying. No loss has ever hit me in the same way, it is still so unreal as if I will wake up any moment and realize it was all just a bad, bad dream. I did have a dream about you the other night. It is still so clear. You know those dreams that seem so real that you don't realize you're really asleep? When I woke up I was sad to realize it was only a dream and I cried because I wanted it to be real more than you could imagine. You came and told me that you loved me and gave me a big hug. I could actually feel your arms around me! Maybe you knew I needed that and that things are a bit stressful right now and some of the fears I am facing. In life, you were always willing to listen and I could tell you sincerely cared. I know you would still do the same if you were here today. I want to let you know that I appreciate you and love you.

I want to share the words to one of my favorite songs. (I have changed a couple of the words to better suit our relationship as friends).
Love you forever,
Anne

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory, so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are my
Forever friend
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever friend
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away not far
To where you are

Texas RoadHouse Sunday Surprise

As my family and I were breaking our fast this afternoon at Texas Roadhouse Grill, that Elder Holland and his WHOLE family (mother, wife, kids, and grandkids) were in the booth and tables behind us eating.They appeared to be celebrating his mother's birthday. My mom died when I tried to sneak a cell phone pic, so sorry, I don't have proof, but my word is as good as a picture! It was awesome.He was sitting at the little kids table and growling to make them laugh. He was eating ice cream and sharing it with the little kids. He was in his standard suit and tie! LOL. He paid with his credit card and after he signed the slip he handed it to the guy and said, "Thank you, buddy." As we left, I overheard one of the hostesses say to the server, "So you got to meet Elder Holland, huh?" And he just said, "Yep!" Awesome.

Mi vida loca

I guess I need to update this here blog thingie since it has been nearly three months since I did. The days are passing at whirlwind speed and nothing really new has been happening, just the same old same old as they say.
School started at the end of August and we are already doing report cards and SEP's (parent teacher conferences) next week. The school that I teach at has gone back to an extended year, or year round, calendar this year. We are the only school in St George that is doing this and so, we are already at the end of our first term. We have a week off for Fall Break starting next Friday. Then after that, we will start a Fall Intersession. This is kind of like Summer School, except a better model because we will have much better attendance since it is not a traditional time for vacationing. The teachers have the option of teaching for extra money or taking the time off. I opted to take the time off. I do not know if I will teach during the Spring Intersession which will be after Spring Break. Right now, I have declined, but I may change my mind. I am well known for that. I have pretty good classes this year, which I am happy about. I have my Gifted and Talented Endorsement now, so I have one class that is called a "cluster group" which has the gifted kids in it, and none of the lowest kids and my other class is an average class. It helps to meet the needs of all the learners so that you don't have such a wide spectrum of abilities to reach. I have found it to be working out well except that the other class is falling behind so I am having to do a lot more planning.
My nephew, Jude, is so amazing. He is about 3 1/2 months old and he is beautiful. He has a smile that melts my heart and he loves to chatter and talk which is tons of fun to listen to. He seems to be teething a little bit already and loves to suck his thumb to soothe the pain. He has a very easy going, happy personality and has really been a blessing to our family.
Erin had her 30th birthday last week and planned a bonfire out on the Arizona strip to celebrate. It was fun. It is just starting to really cool down lately and feel like Fall, which is my favorite time of the year. I was really cold out there, but once that fire got going, I thought my eyeballs were going to melt. ;) Jude was mesmerized by the fire. Erin said he has been out there a couple of times with them and loves the bonfires. And to add to the excitement and beauty of it all, it was a full moon night! Gorgeous!



I have a karate tournament coming up next month in Saratoga Springs, Utah. I am looking forward to it a lot. I am on the leadership team, also called STORM (Special Team of Role Models), and we have been working on a team demo to do at the tournament. This will be the first time our school will be participating in the demos since opening a couple of years ago. All the other schools are much bigger and have more experience doing this, so we have just barely gotten on it. The next day will be my individual competitions in katas, weapons, self defense, and sparring and that night will be the Black Belt test which I may stay and watch because my instructor and his 12 year old son will both be testing for their 2nd degree black belts. I will probably have to help referee the Black Belt sparring, which I just found out today. That will be an interesting experience. Hopefully I don't mess up and get any black belts mad at me. LOL.
I also have a test for my next belt, Chan Ban Bu, in November, but I am still trying to decide whether or not I really feel ready to test this time. Up til now I have tested and advanced every three months, but I have been struggling the past several months as the requirements and curriculum have really started to get more difficult, especially mentally. The kata, or form, that I have to learn for this belt has had me so confused and on the verge of tears so many times. I finally started to learn it when he put a bo staff in my hands and showed me what we were doing. I was like, "ohhhh, that's what my hands are doing" and I had the first half of it in 10 minutes after struggling to learn it for 2 months. The whole combination of foot movements, advancing and retreating, Chinese covers, and upward, outward, inward, and downward blocks, reverse bow steps, pivot punches, ball of the foot, heel of the foot, and on and on and on, still has me so confused. My instructor tells me that I am doing well, but that I am just too critical and perfectionistic, and to look at the small bits of progress. If I do test and continue on track, I should be able to test for my black belt at the end of April. If not, I may wait until October of next year.
I am hoping to be able to make it out to Cali for Christmas time. I want to go to Disneyland badly. I haven't been at Christmastime in a long time and I love it at that time of the year. Also, I have an uncle there in Simi Valley who has been having some serious health problems and I would like to go see him. Erin needs to take baby to see the Cali family and so we have been thinking about doing that. We have not had a big family Christmas out there in several years and Erin and Will have been in Houston for the past few Christmasses so it would be very nice to do that again. A lot like the "old days." It is my hope anyways.

"It's just good music if you can feel it in your soul!"

Two of my new favorites:

Smile
Uncle Kracker
You're better than the best
I'm lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler then the flip side of my pillow, that's right
Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where you send me,
Lets me know that it's ok, yeah it's ok
And the moments where my good times start to fade

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Even when you're gone
Somehow you come along
Just like a flower poking the sidewalk crack and just like that
You steal away the rain and just like that

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Don't know how I lived without you
Cuz everytime that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile


I'm Alive
Kenny Chesney with Dave Matthews

So damn easy to say that life's so hard
Everybody's got their share of battle scars
As for me I'd like to thank my lucky stars that
I'm alive and well

It'd be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you've sat and watch go up in flames
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me... I'm alive

And today you know that's good enough for me
Breathing in and out's a blessing can't you see
Today's the first day of the rest of my life
And I'm alive and well
I'm alive and well

Stars are dancin' on the water here tonight
It's good for the soul when there's not a soul in sight
This motor's caught its wind and brought me back to life
Now I'm alive and well

And today you know that's good enough for me
Breathing in and out's a blessing can't you see
Today's the first day of the rest of my life
Now I'm alive and well
Yeah I'm alive and well

Ban Bu

As many of you know, karate has become an important part of my life. I have been training since January 2008. Right now I am a brown belt, one of four girls who are the highest rank at my school. It's kind of exciting but stressful. We have been training for our Ban Bu test. Ban Bu is a brown belt with a black stripe in the center. It is the first of the high level belts and the testing process becomes quite a bit harder. We are required to do a physical test which includes running 2 miles in 20 minutes and then completing the rest in another 10 minutes (100 sit ups, 50 pushups: 10 each of uppercut, vertical knuckle, horizontal knuckle, fingertip, and triangle, and 5 pull ups or holding above the bar for 30 seconds). Then, we have to complete the curriculum testing that takes several more hours and includes all kata (forms), self defense, and sparring. There is also a written test and a written thesis that we complete. This is the same test that you have to pass for all belts above Ban Bu (Han Ban Bu, Chan Ban Bu, Black, Black Belt higher degrees), but some of the requirements on the written tests change and more curriculum is learned and tested, of course.
I am having a horrible time with the physical part of the test. At this point, I have not been able to run the 2 miles in 20 minutes or do the pull ups so on the practice tests, I have only gotten 15/40 points on that portion of the test. This is very stressful for me and I am trying to remain positive and know that I can complete it just like everyone else who has done it.
The "real" test is coming up a week from Saturday. I will have a horrible birthday if I don't pass it, so everyone, just pray for me, please!