Life's BIG and and not so big adversities

I don't know if this post is really going to have a main idea or whatever, but I just thought I would get on and get some things out of my head. I don't even know if anyone reads my blog anymore since I have become less than active about writing. Things have been getting better in some ways but then again I start to think maybe not. I still feel really lonely a lot living by myself on the opposite side of town as my family. But I have started to realize a lot of things about myself that I never would have realized had it not been for the many firey experiences of the last six months.
In the past month, there have been two long time family friends that have passed away from back home. One unexpected and one after a brave battle with cancer. Both were young still, at least in my book. I know that we do not know when our life here will end and this has made me more aware of my mortality. This morning on the radio, I heard a country song that I think I have heard before, but never really listened to. I don't particularly like the song, but the words hit me suddenly considering the friends I have lost in the past few years, especially Ginger.


If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song


Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

And I’ll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I’ve never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
There’s a boy here in town says he’ll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a gone
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song


The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need 'em oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls

Switching subjects...I was really sick yesterday. I mean REALLY sick. Maybe I am overreacting because I am not used to being sick because I can not remember the last time I had the flu. I think it was probably 5 or 6 years ago when I got sick with the flu on Thanksgiving Day. That's right, of all the days of the year to get the flu and not be able to eat, I got it on Thanksgiving Day. But even then I was not as sick as yesterday, I don't think. My BIL and nephew have had the flu last week and earlier this week and I hadn't seen Jude for a while so I spent some time with him on Wed. night and he ended up being sick. So Thursday night I went to bed quite early, not really feeling ill, just tired and a slight headache. At 11:00 I woke up feeling like I needed to puke and, sure enough, I did. I spent the rest of the night up about every 1.5- 2 hours throwing up. By 7:00 I had been sick 5 times which, like I said, I can not remember ever being that sick. I called in for a sub, which was the 3rd day this week because of the funeral in California on Tuesday, and literally dragged myself to the school after puking for the 5th time to write some sort of sub plan for the day. Luckily, Fridays are easy. I slept for most of the day, but felt nauseous all day long and had nothing at my house to ease the aches, pains, or nausea of the flu and couldn't get a hold of anyone to bring anything to me. I really thought I might end up in the ER dehydrated (and who knows what else?) if I didn't stop throwing up. At about 3:00 I decided to take a hot bath to relax a little and that lasted til 4:30 and then another nap. I was hoping my mom could bring me some Zofran (anti nausea?) that my sister had from when Jude was sick, but with Erin being sick herself, she was not answering the phone and I ended up falling asleep again. At about 7:00 I woke up again and told mom not to worry about it and I dragged myself into the car and up to the Albertson's that is a mile away. I hadn't thrown up in 12 hours so I thought I would be ok. I needed to find something that I might be able to eat and something to help with the nausea. When I got there I realized I didn't have my debit card or my DL so I had to write a check and hope that they didn't ask for my DL which happens a lot at Albertson's. Halfway through my shopping I started to feel really sick again and thought I was going to lose it. I was praying the whole time that I wouldn't and that they wouldn't ask me for my DL because I needed this food and medicine and had no idea where they were (they ended up being in my desk at school). I felt like Ramona in the book "Ramona Quimby, Age 8," which I just finished reading to my class last week. "Please God, don't let me throw up in this taxi cab. Please God, don't let me throw up in this taxi cab." Well, needless to say, I made it home and thanks to some Sprite, Emetrol, Tylenol PM, bananas, and a few saltines I made it through the night without throwing up again and without going to the ER. I went to bed and prayed that I would make it through the night without having to throw up, but kept my pot there just in case. :) Well, thankfully, I slept great and woke up this morning having survived. I feel much better today, but I sure hope I don't have to suffer through that again for many, many years...or ever- I hope.

If she were here to listen today

Dear G-
I have been thinking about you. Man, you are so missed. Nearly a year and half has passed since you've gone and it is still so hard for me to believe that you are not here. I miss you so much still and can't think about you without nearly crying. No loss has ever hit me in the same way, it is still so unreal as if I will wake up any moment and realize it was all just a bad, bad dream. I did have a dream about you the other night. It is still so clear. You know those dreams that seem so real that you don't realize you're really asleep? When I woke up I was sad to realize it was only a dream and I cried because I wanted it to be real more than you could imagine. You came and told me that you loved me and gave me a big hug. I could actually feel your arms around me! Maybe you knew I needed that and that things are a bit stressful right now and some of the fears I am facing. In life, you were always willing to listen and I could tell you sincerely cared. I know you would still do the same if you were here today. I want to let you know that I appreciate you and love you.

I want to share the words to one of my favorite songs. (I have changed a couple of the words to better suit our relationship as friends).
Love you forever,
Anne

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory, so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are my
Forever friend
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever friend
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away not far
To where you are

Mothers

I know it's a bit late, but I want to say thank you to all the mothers in my life. Those that I know, those that are an example to me of what I hope to become some day, those that have been a "mother" to me in so many ways, and especially my own special mother and grandmother who have been there for me since the day I was born. I am so grateful to Heavenly Father for putting so many caring and amazing women in my life. I wish I could name them all, but that would be impossible, and I would probably forget someone.
On Sunday morning (Mother's Day), I fell into a very deep and detailed dream early in the morning involving Ginger. She was a wonderful mother who was taken from her children too soon. This was the first Mother's Day since her death almost a year ago. I wish I could remember the dream better, but my mom woke me up before it was over so that I could go to church. I awoke feeling sad and lonely, wanting to be able spend more time with her, even if only in my dreams. I wish I could have seen her more and talked with her more before she left this life. She is a great example of a loving, spiritual mother.

Inspired

I have been thinking about one of my life long friends, Ginger, who passed away almost a year ago. A few weeks ago, her family and friends all joined together in her memory and ran in the "Great Race," a race that she had done just two months before she passed away. As she was getting ready to participate, she had written on her blog "tomorrow's the big day! at 7:30am I'm running in the Agoura Great Race 5k, my very first race ever! I'm so NOT a runner and I've only been "training" ... for about 3 weeks. yikes! what am I thinking?? I'm thinking that it will be fun and great exercise, right? ... Jason is also running the 5k, but I told him I don't want to run "with" him. I don't want to run beside anyone I know. I don't want to feel like I'm holding anyone back or (and I doubt this will be a problem) I don't want to BE held back by anyone. I want to feel free run at my own pace, that's all. I'm sure it would be special to cross the finish line as a couple and all, but oh well! I wanted to have a goal for the 5k, so here's mine: I want to finish in 30 minutes or less. I'm not even sure that's realistic, but that's an average of 10 minutes per mile. surely I can do that, right? thinking positive thoughts...... wish me luck and I'll post my time tomorrow."
And then .... "29:59:55 yes!! under 30 minutes! I knew I could do it! :) "

After she passed away, one of her brothers had made a touching comment on her blog that shows an amazing amount of faith and is full of hope and determination. He wrote,
"Ginge, you ran a great race and you finished at 30 (at least this leg of the race). You didn't let anyone hold you back, but you definitely helped countless others along your way. You broke the tape first in our family and we look forward to seeing you when we cross the line and giving you a huge Ginger-style victory hug on the other side of the finish line. Until then, we know you will be watching us, cheering us on."

I want to be able to leave that kind of imprint on the hearts of those around me. I want to inspire them to be better, to reach higher, to push a little longer. But first . . . I have to become that person. I am on my way. That's MY goal!

I miss my friend

Happy birthday, Ginger! I miss you so much. Thanks for always being such a sweet example of faith and love. And for always remembering to tease me about that stupid Fred Flintstone t shirt...you never let me live it down. (It's actually the hat that I'm more ashamed of...)

Ginger's guestbook

If you knew Ginger Clinton please visit the guestbook for her obituary and sign it. It will be available online through September.

http://www.legacy.com/venturacountystar/Obituaries.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonID=116251714

Everything changes in an instant

Everything seems completely different and strange the moment that you realize that you have lost a loved one. As you're going about your normal routine you get that phone call and the person on the other end cannot hide the truth no matter how hard they try.
As I was leaving my karate class tonight, I checked my voice mail and my sister said, "I just needed to tell you something important and I didn't know where you were and when you plan on being back." So I called her. That's when I knew it, something was wrong. "Well, I just need to tell you something about someone in Moorpark."
"Well, what is it?"
"Well, I'll just tell you when you get home."
"Tell me now..."
"I just don't know if you can handle it while you're driving."
"Just tell me . . . "
"Well, Ginger . . . . passed away."
That's when it struck me. Driving home from karate class on a Friday night I found out that someone I have known and been friends with my whole life is no longer here. She left suddenly and no one seems to really know why. She just didn't wake up and her husband, 4 young children, and family and friends are all shocked.
All the memories and conversations, arguments, parties, and laughter flood through your head so fast that you can't comprehend it all. Questions that I wish could be answered pop up furiously like on a computer screen. It is as if it is all a dream, but I know it has to be real, because no dream would be this clear.
Ginger, the girl who always asked me when I was going to have my birthday party (ironically, tomorrow is my birthday) because she wanted to make sure that nothing conflicted. "You're parties are always the best! I never want to miss them."
The one who I will always think of every time I hear the song, "Eternal Flame" and see her lipsinging in the ward talent show at 11 years old.
The one who I sat with almost every day at lunch Freshman year (the only year she actually went to Moorpark High).
The girl who always shared a tent with me at Girl's Camp and made sure that my shorts were to my knees or my fingertips, whichever was longer.
We snuck up to "convenient" every time she came over to fill up on chocolate and treats, things she was forbidden to have at home.
She laughed at me as she hit me in the face with a snowball and I jumped on her and pushed her three feet deep into the soft snow on a ski trip to Mammoth Mountain.
She has four beautiful children who look just like her and will always remind her family and friends of her every time they see them.
I have known Ginger as long as I can remember. I can't tell you when we first met. She was just always there from the moment we moved to California in 1985. I can't tell you when we became friends. When someone who you have known for that long is gone the whole world seems to flip upside down in an instant and you feel like you are left clinging to whatever you can grab just so that you don't fly right off the edge of the planet.