Test Anxiety

I have to take the Praxis test tomorrow . . . well, actually today, since I look at the time and see that it is after midnight already, and I am freaking out. I have been having an anxiety attack, not a huge one, but it just makes my asthma act up to the point that as I try to breathe it is so difficult that every time I try to take a good deep breath the side of my neck actually hurt and I struggle. I hate written response tests because they are so . . . (crap I can't think of the word right now). . . "arbitrary"? . . . strike that AMBIGUOUS . . . anyways . . . and I hate multiple choice questions because I can usually narrow it down to two good answers and then I sit there and become way too analytical and find it nearly impossible to determine the "best answer", they all seem to be the "best" answer. Crap! I need to go to bed and just forget about it... There's nothing more I can do except show up and take the friggin test and pray that I pass...

I WILL pass!........(i hope)

Inspired

I have been thinking about one of my life long friends, Ginger, who passed away almost a year ago. A few weeks ago, her family and friends all joined together in her memory and ran in the "Great Race," a race that she had done just two months before she passed away. As she was getting ready to participate, she had written on her blog "tomorrow's the big day! at 7:30am I'm running in the Agoura Great Race 5k, my very first race ever! I'm so NOT a runner and I've only been "training" ... for about 3 weeks. yikes! what am I thinking?? I'm thinking that it will be fun and great exercise, right? ... Jason is also running the 5k, but I told him I don't want to run "with" him. I don't want to run beside anyone I know. I don't want to feel like I'm holding anyone back or (and I doubt this will be a problem) I don't want to BE held back by anyone. I want to feel free run at my own pace, that's all. I'm sure it would be special to cross the finish line as a couple and all, but oh well! I wanted to have a goal for the 5k, so here's mine: I want to finish in 30 minutes or less. I'm not even sure that's realistic, but that's an average of 10 minutes per mile. surely I can do that, right? thinking positive thoughts...... wish me luck and I'll post my time tomorrow."
And then .... "29:59:55 yes!! under 30 minutes! I knew I could do it! :) "

After she passed away, one of her brothers had made a touching comment on her blog that shows an amazing amount of faith and is full of hope and determination. He wrote,
"Ginge, you ran a great race and you finished at 30 (at least this leg of the race). You didn't let anyone hold you back, but you definitely helped countless others along your way. You broke the tape first in our family and we look forward to seeing you when we cross the line and giving you a huge Ginger-style victory hug on the other side of the finish line. Until then, we know you will be watching us, cheering us on."

I want to be able to leave that kind of imprint on the hearts of those around me. I want to inspire them to be better, to reach higher, to push a little longer. But first . . . I have to become that person. I am on my way. That's MY goal!

Not for those with a weak stomach...

Diary of an "abscess"

Monday: It is discovered in it's hiding place just at the belt line. 2 inch diameter. Bleeds and bleeds and bleeds some more. I go to the Instacare and am told that nothing can be done until it forms a head. A dotted circle is drawn around the red, inflamed area to see if it gets bigger. No definitive diagnosis is determined. Antibiotics are prescribed. 1st and 2nd dose are taken. Pain, pain, pain, and more PAIN. Unable to sleep. Awake at 0230 hours in pain and apply heat.

Tuesday: 3rd and 4th doses of powerful antibiotics are taken. More pain. Mystery red spot is now 3 inches in diameter and very, very hot! A bit more sleep, but not much. Very grumpy.

Wednesday: 5th and 6th doses of "extremely powerful" antibiotics are taken. Still more, unrelenting pain. Still about 3 inches in diameter and on fire. Still virtually no sleep.

Thursday: 7th dose does not sit well and I lose my breakfast. Don't eat all day except some goldfish crackers. Redness is above all redness and hotter than St. George in the middle of August. Pain beyond anything I have experienced in a long, long time. Now 5 inches by 3 inches in size. Go to ER at 11:30 pm. Pain level 8. Mystery spot is now diagnosed as an abscess, or boil. It is lanced with great pain and packed with gauze. Pain relievers (Lortab) are prescribed and filled at Walgreens at 12:45 am. Finally go to bed at 1:15 am.

Friday: Wake up at 6:30 am and go to work. Pain level 4. Return to ER to have wound rinsed, repacked, rebandaged.

Saturday: What? Because of the Lortab, I suppose, I arise for the day at 12:40 pm.
Another evening visit to the ER is in store and I can't wait!

Just thinking about things

I can't believe it's Friday again already. Don't get me wrong I love my weekends and I am very happy when they come around again, but March has come and gone so soon, which also means that payday is next week too, another treasure that comes so rarely. It seems this school year has flown right by and really, we only have a few more really good weeks of school left because once end of level testing is finished, the kids truly think the year is over, which is enhanced by Spring Fever, the wonderful weather, and all the great activities that we have to look forward to at the end of the year.
So this week our computer teacher decided he found a better job. No one thought to tell me until I was waiting for him to open the door. When he didn't (2nd time this has happened recently)I went to the office to ask if he was gone for the day and found out that he had quit. So now, until they find a new teacher, which could be who knows when, I have to lose my prep time and take the kids to the lab and make sure that they are all using the computers right and stuff. I really think that sucks big time.
TTFN... gotta go, but I will add more later.

Finally putting all the pieces together: Those Crazy Housewives of Wisteria Lane

So I have been a Desperate Housewives junkie for several years now and at first it was quite funny. But now, each episode is a confusing set of events secretly tied to the lives of every other person on Wisteria Lane. I have been very confused about this Dave Dash dude that married Edie and is all secretive and wants to get in tight with the other boys in garage bands and camping trips. Last week I finally realized that he was determined to ruin Mike by killing Katherine. I had no idea why yet though. So he got them all out in the woods and convinced Katherine to go hiking with Mike on a romantic hike. Then he sneaks out with his hunting rifle and aims straight for Katherine. Luckily he missed but now has to cover his tracks and they all leave immediately to get away from "illegal hunters." Meanwhile, Edie has discovered the truth about Dash through whatever braincells she could conjure up and convince to do research. She texts Dave and tells him she knows EVERYTHING and to get home now. So they all rush back from the woods. Edie learns that Dave all along has been trying to find a way to get revenge on Mike because when he and Susan got in that huge car accident Dave's wife and 3 year old daughter were killed. (A bit of irony since Mike and Susan's son, MJ and Dave and Lily Dash's daughter were born on the same day in the same hospital in rooms next to each other.) There was a trial and Mike was aquitted.(Doesn't Mike know who Dave is from the trial?)Well, Edie decided that she was going to call and warn Mike about Dave. Dave then strangled her. . . nearly to death. So she ran out to the car to drive and make the call. At that moment, Orson Hodge, was standing in the middle of the road with a ski mask on and all bloody from trying to steal from a neighbor who whomped him good with a bat. That's a whole other story, his newly found talent of piracy and cleptomania. But not quite as interesting yet. So back to Edie, she swerves to miss Orson and crashes into a tree and some powerlines causing the lines to come down. Not dead yet, Miss Edie slowly pulls he bedraggled body from the car and carefully keeps a grip on the door as the weakly steps out onto a small puddle of water and an electric line. Down she goes! Is she dead? Is she alive? We do not know. Her fingers were twitching- could be electrical impulses shivereing through her bones. But the preview shows all the wives coming out and talking to her, "you're gonna be okay." and all that jazz. I never really liked Miss Edie all that much, but I do like Mike, so I hope that she at least lives long enough to get the message to him. And I also like the Scavos a bit so it might be nice if this somehow lead to the dead doctor/fire incident that was blamed on the Scavo boy- Porter? I think. Well, this is the current DL on DH.
Toodaloo

Aging beautifully!

Happy Birthday Mom! You look beautiful! I love you.
We had a picnic in the park yesterday that Mike and Natalie planned as a surprise for Mom's birthday. The weather was amazing and we had a great time.

It's getting harder and harder to wait

Jude William Watts 26 weeks.
Every time Erin comes over with new pictures I get so excited. We can hardly wait for our new little Jude and we are all waiting impatiently for April and May to pass. I am amazed more and more each time I look at the new pictures. I can't believe what technology can do now! Look at his face! He is so adorable. Erin disagrees, but I think he looks like her. This picture is the wallpaper on my cellphone now and I can't stop looking at him. He is amazing! I'm gonna be an aunt!

Plummeting interest rates!

I have had it. I pay my bills every month and it barely covers the finance charges. Credit cards suck! I am the last person to lecture on them, but they are carried over from my college days and so I am still plugging away at them. A few weeks ago I decided to try and call Care One Credit Counseling to consolidate them into one payment and everything. Well, what they do is consult with your creditors to get them to lower or eliminate the interest rates. So this is what happened:

Home Depot 21% down to 9.90%
Bank of America 25% (I know... ouch) down to 16%.
Capital One 23% (another ouch) down to 7.4%

Woo Hoo! Do you know how much that will save in finance charges alone? Wow! I am so happy! Maybe I will actually be putting money into the principal now.

One quick question... well, maybe two.

What in the world is California going to do with over 30,000 less teachers? Can anyone tell me how many more students that averages to be in each classroom? Yeah right!

Erin Go Bragh

Pinch pinch, make sure to wear your green today. Good luck!

Spring Piggies

First day of Spring Break... the sandals are calling. I couldn't resist the pedicure! Grandma and I went together and had such a great time being pampered.


By the way, I added some new stuff at the bottom. Check it out.

Feeling better on so many levels

Today I started to feel better. I think I may have sneezed a total of three times although I am still coughing and my back still hurts. I was able to go see Erin in the hospital and I asked for a face mask, but I am the world's worst claustrophobe and it didn't work so well. I hate to have my nose covered with anything; a blanket, a sleeping bag, a face mask... so I really didn't use it correctly, but I tried. She is doing a lot better and the doctor told her that she could maybe even go home tomorrow. He also said he had never seen such a seperation heal so quickly. We all know why though, don't we? Thanks for the prayers and remembering our whole family. She has felt the strength of all your prayers and blessings.
SPRING BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jude Watts is already training for the OIympics

I have not been able to go visit Erin in the hospital because I have been so sick, but I have heard some fun stories about the ultrasounds that she has had over the past few days. Jude is still so small and has been very active so he has been quite elusive and difficult to catch and get a heartbeat. Yesterday my mom got to see him swimming around and she said it was quite cute. He was on his belly kicking his feet quite violently and moving his hands all around his head. I thought "he is getting ready for the breast stroke, duh." Today when I called, Kelly and Mom were there and Kelly was laughing. She said that they had the microphone hooked up to listen to the heart beat and Jude was right under it breathing really hard. Hooooooh Hooooooh Hoooooh like someone on the phone, (or I thought like Darth Vader, but instead of "Luke, I am your father" he was saying, "Will, I am your son."). It also seemed like he was teasing us all trying everything he could to keep us from hearing him.
The good news is that the doctor has said that things are looking really good and that it might not have been a real placental abruption after all. He is not sure and there is definitely a separation, but he is hopeful that it could heal itself in a few more days and she could go home and not be on such strict bed rest. This is all really good news because this means that Jude can stay right where he is and continue to grow and also Erin's health will not be in such great danger either. I am hoping that I can start to feel better in the next day or so because I want to make it over there and see him while they do some monitoring, but I don't know if I will. Everyone is telling me I NEED to go to the doctor because I have been sick for way too long but I am resisting. I don't like to go unless I absolutely have to. We shall see. I am pumping myself full of OJ, Sudafed, and Ibuprofen because my back hurts so bad, especially when I cough and sneeze. I am hoping that I can get some much needed rest this week during Spring Break and be back to fully restored health by next week.

Update on Erin and Baby Jude

Today at lunch, I decided to try and call my mom at work and see if she had heard anything new about Erin and what is going on. The other lady in her office told me that she had gone to the hospital to try and locate Erin because she had gone back in today. So I tried to call Will and got a hold of him and found out that things have been worse. I have now learned that the problem is a placental abruption, in which the placenta detaches from the uterus. This causes problems in the baby getting oxygen and other nutrients he needs. So they were getting ready to do an emergency c section because Erin's blood pressure was dropping way low and Jude was in distress, his heart rate and blood pressure were dropping a lot too. Luckily though, the drs. were able to get things under control and have stabilized mommy and son for the time. We are hoping that things stay under control and she can keep Jude happy in his temporary environment long enough. She is in the hospital for at least the next several weeks, maybe the rest of the pregnancy if things don't improve enough to send her home. Please remember her in your prayers and pray that Baby Jude stays healthy and happy in his little water world.

What a day!

The good, the bad, and the ugly...
1. I am STILL sick! What's it been, like 2 months now? Now it's down in my chest and I can't stop coughing.

2. School stories.
"Dude" So, the boys can't stop calling everyone "dude" all the time. "Dude, what page are we on?" "Dude, can I use your red crayon?" "Dude, you wanna play soccer with me at lunch?" Even to the the girls. "Dude, will you let me see the book?" "Dude, do we have to do the problems on the back?" So I have been getting so tired of it and today I heard someone say it about three times in 10 seconds so I said, "He has a name and it's not 'DUDE'." He looked at me like "Huh?" and I repeated myself, "He has a name and it's NOT DUDE." He kind of chuckled then went back to what he was doing. A few minutes later I heard it again, but then a little girl said, "He has a name and it's not 'Dude." Then someone else said, "Yeah, teacher said "He has a name and it's not Dude." I laughed inside thinking, "Uh huh, THAT'S RIGHT. Glad someone listens around here!"

Candy bar thieves: I have a small, plastic, purple basket in which a wonderful assortment of candy bars are stored for birthdays (and my afternoon chocolate rescue, but shhhhh, we'll just say they're for birthdays). Today I had pulled it down and left it on my printer so that I would remember to let someone get their birthday bar. Well, as we were getting ready to go home, I was busy helping a couple of kids fix their math and also handing out homework folders. I was sittig at the table right next to the printer (just a few feet away literally) and a boy (a very naughty boy, always in trouble) decided to snitch 3 or 4 of them and pass them around to friends. After several minutes a little girl says, "Ummm (so and so) is stealing your candy bars. I looked over at the basket and could tell that they had been taken because it was completely full before. So I called him over and he proceeded to say that (boy b and boy c) had the bars and they said (boy a) took them and gave them to us. (Like we're completely innocent). So I asked, "did you know he took them from me?" Yes, they said they did, and I explained to them that means they are just as guilty. So they brought all the bars back, or so I thought. After school we were still trying to figure out the consequences and Boy A (the main suspect) proceeds to accuse girl A of eating a candy bar- a Kit Kat. Well this is wonderful girl who never finds trouble and she had already high tailed it out of there. However, she was "apprehended" and returned to the scene of the crime. She continued to deny to me that she had anything to do with it so I told her to go tell Boy A to his face that he was lying. At first she had no problem doing so and he continued to accuse her of it. I said, "Well someone is lying straight to the other's face. Can you continue to look straight in their eyes and tell them the lie?" Then he said, "Come on (girl A)!" So then she admitted that she had eaten "just a tiny bite" when she knew he stole it. So then I ask, "So who ate the rest?" He said, "I don't know!" I looked straight at him and said, "Did you?" He shamefully hung his head and said, "Yes..." Then they both started to cry pitifully. Boy B and C just watched and didn't seem affected at all. Kinda sad but funny at the same time.


3. When I came home, I found out that Erin is on bed rest for something that is wrong with her and the baby. I don't have very much information right now, but the dr. wants to make sure that it doesn't get worse so that Jude has a better chance to survive. If he can wait just 6 weeks survival will go up about 60%. So we are praying for their family.

Oi ve! What a day!

Code Adam Scare in Wal Mart Keeps Local Woman Awake All Night

So the Ambien decided not to work so well tonight and I only slept for about 4 hours and now I am awake and nothing to do but blog.

Yesterday, I had a lot of fun. My karate instructor's son was having a birthday party at the dojo and I came just to hang out with Shalynn and help her get it ready. The kids had so much fun and they were all so cute to watch running around.

Then we went to Wal Mart, the Wilson family + one, and that was quite the experience. Marc and Shalynn both needed a few pairs of black pants for this conference they are going to in Denver for Mile High Karate, who we have paired with and we are now Bobby Lawrence Mile High Karate. So they had to have all this special apparel and were a bit overwhelmed. I helped Shalynn find the perfect pants (because I had bought them a few weeks ago and we were lucky because they only had 4 or 5 pairs left, but one of them was her size)!

Then we were looking in the toy department and Marc had to go take some of the pants back that he was not getting. SO Shalynn, the boys, and I were there looking at Leap Frog things and Shalynn, Kade, and Brayden left to go a few aisles down. Jordan (4) was sitting on the floor next to me looking at something and he got up to go find mommy but my back was turned and I didn't notice. (Actually I didn't know he was with me at all, I thought Shalynn or Marc had him.) So I went to go show Shalynn something I was going to get and she realized I didn't have him. We all started a search and Shalynn was freaked out because he was just instantly gone. No one saw him leave, almost like someone had taken him. She called Marc and Marc didn't have him. We were all over the place. I decided to head to the front and look for him in the candy and toys displays on the way. I went to Customer Service and tried to call Marc to see if he had been found but then realized that he was up at a register talking to a lady and on the phone with his wife. So I went over with him. They told me to stay up front and Marc to go to one of the exits while an associate goes to another exit. They issued a Code Adam and described Jordan but almost immediately after that he was found and they issued the "Cancel Code Adam." When Jordan left me he went to look for mommy. He said, "I was with Anne but went to find you. I'm sorry for scaring you Mommy." I asked him if he was scared and he just said, "nope." Brayden was really scared and Kade was like "whatever I know he's around here somewhere." It's funny to see how different brothers can be. I am just so relieved that we found him because if I had been the last one with him and he had gotten lost or stolen I would not be able to forgive myself.

Hey Jude

So Erin is having a boy!!! When she went in for the ultrasound a week or two ago, they couldn't tell what it was because he was riding the umbilical cord. But she went to this place that does 3D pictures of the baby and was able to get some really great pictures of him sucking his thumb and posing for the camera. He is so cute! We are all so excited and can't wait for Jude to make his debut in June! For the really good pictures and news go to her blog- http://fromthewattshome.blogspot.com.

CS Lewis on Prayer

I got an awesome book for Christmas, The Quotable Lewis, which I have been wanting for a super long time. I have been having a hard time with prayer lately and so I decided to read some stuff from different authors and church leaders. I looked in this book and found some awesome, awesome, AWESOME!!! thoughts from him.

"Take not, oh Lord, our literal sense. Lord, in Thy great,
Unbroken speech our limping metaphor translate."
-Poems, "Footnote to All Prayers" (1933) p. 129

"The prayer preceding all prayers is 'May it be the real I that speaks. May it be the real Thou that I speak to.' . . . Emotional intensity is in itself no proof of spiritual depth. If we pray in terror we shall pray earnestly; it only proves that terror is an earnest emotion. Only God Himself can let the bucket down to the depths in us. . . The most blessed result of prayer would be to rise thinking 'But I never knew before, I never dreamed . . . ' I suppose it was such a moment that Thomas Aquinas said of all his theology, 'It reminds me of straw.' "
- Letters to Malcolm: Chiefly on Prayer, chap. 15, para. 15-17, pp. 81-82

"We must lay before Him what is in us, not what ought to be in us."
- Letters to Malcolm: Chiefly on Prayer, chap. 4, para. 15, p. 22

Yellow

Look at the stars, Look how they shine for you
And all the things that you do.
Yeah they were all yellow.

I came along, I wrote a song for you
And everything you do.
And it was called yellow.

So then I took my turn
Oh what a thing to've done
And it was all yellow.

And your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful
Don't you know?
You know I love you so,
You know I love you so.

I swam across, I jumped across for you,
Oh, what a thing to do,
Cuz you were all yellow.

I drew a line, I drew a line for you.
Oh, what a thing to do, my love,
And it was all yellow,
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And your skin, oh yeah, your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
Do you know?
For you I bleed myself dry.
For you I bleed myself dry.

It's true,
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you.

Black Belt/Leadership Essay (Kwon Shu/Kenpo)

So, I had to write a short essay for karate as an assignment for acceptance into the leadership team. This is what I came up with:

"Over the past 14 months, karate has become a very important part of my life. As a child, I had a great desire to get involved in karate, yet I don’t really know where this dream came from. None of my friends or anyone in my family was interested or involved in martial arts at all. It just started to grow in me one day until it became all consuming. Maybe it was from the first time that I saw the movie, The Karate Kid. Something about that movie just spoke to me, but the possibility of ever achieving that dream was almost instantly pushed aside when I realized the futility of asking for something like that. I remember asking to participate in soccer, and laying in bed thinking about what I would say and how I could present it to my mother, and when I did I knew I would have to have a way to come up with the money. That was no where near as expensive as karate would be all year, and so I never asked. I knew she would respond with frustrated words similar to, “You know we don’t have the money for that. Why don’t you call your dad and ask him if he can pay for something like that!” I knew full well that would never happen, especially since I had already asked him to help me buy my $15 PE uniform, which he refused, and so, that was it, the hope of ever fulfilling that dream was gone. I dropped it completely, knowing it was hopeless to continue to even think about it at all. But dreams never do really die. They always seem to find a way to pop back up from time to time, always tormenting you until you take the time to pursue them, which is what I finally decided to do. I was talking to my mom on the phone one evening and told her how much I wanted to do this and reminded her of how I had wanted to do this since I was about 8 or 9 years old. She had completely forgotten it and was surprised. I started to cry terribly and told her I felt like I would never be able to do this and that I was so frustrated that I let myself just sweep so many hopes and dreams aside or ignore them all these years just because I was so worried about everyone else. I didn’t know why it was so important to me, but the emotions became so strong, and the years of frustration finally just started to pour out.
I am grateful beyond measure that I finally listened to my heart and took the initiative to do this! I have learned so many things through karate, not just about self defense, but about myself; who I am, what I hope to achieve and be, and what I can be. From the time when this dream was born at 8 years old until I finally acted upon it last year, I never really thought, “I want to be a black belt.” I don’t know why I wanted to do karate or what I hoped to get out of it, I just wanted it and I knew I needed it. Something about it just called to me even though I didn’t know what it had to offer. But, since I started, I have learned to set higher goals and to believe that they really can be achieved. I have always been a determined person and once I start something, I usually see it through to the end. Yet, since starting karate, I have become even more focused on what I can become. Earning a black belt isn’t about status or rank and it isn’t the end of the road either. As I see it, earning my black belt is just the beginning. Maybe I will continue on and earn higher degrees, but even if I don’t, it is about the fact that I listened to myself and responded. This tells me that I can continue to listen and respond for the rest of my life, no matter what the situation might be.
For me, it isn’t about why I would be a great black belt. Instead, it is about why a black belt would be great for me. Until last year, I would never have seen myself where I am today and where a black belt can take me. Knowledge, wisdom, strength, confidence, faith, determination, physical health, and spiritual and emotional awareness are just a few of the things that I have seen grow and I know will continue to grow on the road to earning my black belt. These are things that I could develop through very few other pursuits. I don’t know that I have anything more to offer than anyone else, which would make me a better candidate for a black belt, but I know that what it has to offer me is something I can not deny or refuse."